when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
