I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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