Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
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You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
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How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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