i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
