oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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