I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
