All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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