i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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