One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
