3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
