It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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