so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
only if we run a train.
done.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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