i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I cockslap morals
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
