Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
