If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
