I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
