Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just invented taco cereal.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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