You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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