you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
