he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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