You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
