Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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