go do what you do best...puke behind churches
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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