also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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