Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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