one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Watching her eat just hurts me
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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