My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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