thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
