I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
