highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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