I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The best revenge is premature balding
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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