When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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