I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
