Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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