new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
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So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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