and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
