I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Randomize
