I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
