She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
