i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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