I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
