I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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