So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
