Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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