If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
