So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
