I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
