So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
