Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
