i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
