Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
