The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
