and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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