Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
