I cannot find my penis.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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