..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
