thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
