I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
