it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
