Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
